Category Archives: Fake News

Kid Turns Into a Dog Overnight

By Candace and William

Oregon – On Monday, March 30th, HSBI third grader Jacob Johnson turned into a dog. The time he turned into a dog is unclear. The only information about his transformation from his parents is that he morphed overnight. He cannot speak human language; he only barks. For three days he has been acting weirdly at home, which includes not eating dog food and running away from his family. Linguistics are working hard to translate dog language into English. So far they have little success. The only things they can make out are “Help me! I want to be human again!” and “I need food!”

Scientists say that the translator might be able to help Jacob learn how Jacob turned into dog form. “We just need to add a few tweaks to the machine so the translations will be clearer.” This hypothesis worked, and scientists were able to figure out complete sentences of dog language. “It might even solve all the misery of other stray dogs, and understand what they want.”

Doctors say that they have no idea how he turned into a dog. “There is no scientific explanation for this event,” Frankie Franks, cynologist (a person who studies dogs), states. Jacob’s mother, Jamie Johnson, adds, “I don’t get it! I raised my son with all my heart and this is what I get? A dog?!”

Lately, the linguistics are able to tell Jacob’s full story, due to the improvements made to the machine. “I was just dreaming about dogs and I told the dog god to let me be a dog for a month. Now I totally regret what I said, because being a dog is not fun, and it will be a long time until I turn back into a human,” says Jacob, still in a dog form. Doctors are shocked to discover that they didn’t have to perform any medical changes to help Jacob turn back into human; they just had to be patient. Jacob successfully turned back into a human weeks later.

Jacob Johnson, in dog form.
Jacob Johnson, in dog form.
The dog translating machine
The dog translating machine
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Unicorns attack Earth!

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Helminthology(study of parasitic worms) Professor Pierre Le Errygoat studies this.

By Bella Lin and Chris Wang

On Thursday, January 1st, 18 million unicorns ruled the planet Earth. Everybody freaked out. Professor Pierre Le Errygoat, a French Saudi Arabian Helminthology(study of parasitic worms) with his team of unicorn dressed psychos investigated a crime scene on Unicorns attack. A boy named Willy the Great, a Mars inhabitant, was grind by what looks like a broccoli flavored unicorn. Special Agent Nathan quoted”Unicorns are awesome!”. A CIA agent protested”This is an outrage! We should snack on unicorn horns served with their meat .”

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Unicorn meatball
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Unicorn grinder
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broccoli flavored unicorn

One same question is asked by everyone in the world,:” Why did they attack us?!” A 6th grader in Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch, Wales, named Lowell Taboo Doodad have a lame theory that everyone disagrees with: They might had came from the North Star, which they rise with “universe powers” and took over most of the Northern universe, we had made a decision that we should grind up unicorn meat and eat them as meatballs in front of their face, so they will get so sad and cry, then they will blow up and destroy the northern universe, bring peace, but this is only a theory.”

An Unexpected Visit

By: LiT & Annie

During the night of Thursday, March 26, 2015, five spaceships appeared in the sky above Santa Claus’s workshop. The spaceships circled the Earth once, before landing in Taipei, turning the Taipei 101 into rubble. Few people were present to see the alien come out. People from miles around were told to evacuate and only the mayor and an escort of the entire army were there to see.

Information released from a confidential source reported that the aliens marched out in a triangular formation with their captain at the front. All of them were wearing tutus the exact color of their yellow skin and eyes. They claimed to have come in peace and they had came to Earth was to study our planet. Then one of the alien asked if they could have one human being to do experiments on. The mayor furiously insisted the aliens to leave at once. The aliens then asked the mayor to aboard their ship and discuss this somewhere more appropriate. The mayor agreed and had not been seen since then.

Eyewitnesses reported the alien ships were sleek, thin, and long, and was glittering lime green, hot pink, and sky blue. Scientists say the spaceships are made from a unknown metal.

“I have never seen such a beautiful aircraft before!” exclaimed an awed civilian who wished to remain unnamed.

Other people weren’t so enthusiastic.

“One of our country’s greatest landmark is now destroyed, all because of that spaceship! They are unwelcome and should leave immediately!” demanded the indignant mayor.

The spaceship is still resting in its bed of rubble and the police had declared the site a crime scene.  No one is to go near it.

No survivors were found in the remains of 101. Anyone with information of the aliens is to come forward.

The Mark of the Yellow Aliens

Girl Gets Bitten By Poisonous Snake

By Ashley and Crystal

On Tuesday, March 30th, one 7 year old girl was bitten by a White Abmam, an extremely poisonous, yet not fatal, snake, in Afliquwer, Nigeria. The girl, named Opeyemi Kondwani, was in a family meeting when she and her cousins went exploring. They happened to come across the nest of the White Abmam. The children, not knowing it was a nest, they stepped on it carelessly. The Abmam, feeling threatened, attacked the children.

Later that week, one of the cousins, Efe Kondwani, allowed us to interview him. “The snake was pure white, except for its black eyes. We tried to back away, but Opeyemi stepped on a branch. The next thing we knew, Opeyemi was bitten and  the snake was nowhere to be seen.” Opeyemi is now in the local hospital of Afliquwer, still alive and being treated. She later said: “I was so nervous, I almost forgot what my mom taught me to do when meeting a snake. Part of me wanted to run.”

Thankfully, the doctor reported that she will recover within two months. In Africa, don’t go into tall grass or forests alone. Make sure you have someone that knows the place well or at least someone with you to prevent further injuries.

A White Abmam in captive

snake

Rainbow Dancer: Boy Dances At Midnight

By: Halle & Emily

On Christmas Eve, at 11:59 PM, in Spain, a Pakistani boy in a rainbow colored dress crashed through his door and started dancing around street and magically dodging rushing cars at midnight. Everyone was staring at him like he was some enormous rainbow colored cobra dancing while wearing a sloppy&ugly tutu. The unintelligent boy seemed to notice no one around him.

The Boy that danced with a rainbow dress
The boy that danced with a rainbow dress

The citizens of Spain watched, stunned, as the Pakistani boy danced around, getting even more intense each minute. One of the kid who was watching him dance said, “Does that dress dances it self like the ‘Red shoe’ in the story?” Everyone tried to ask him what was wrong with him, but he couldn’t talk and just danced around the street while it’s snowing like crazy. The day after Christmas Eve, he was still dancing around the street without even eating, sleeping, and going to the bathroom.

Boy in the streets
Boy in the streets

A Devil’s Wrath : The Battle of the Dead

The Duel to DEATH

By: Lexi & Cassie

On Friday, March 25th, Casey Poo, a 2-year old devil who lives underneath Disneyland, saw a vampire. She screamed and smacked the vampire on his rear end. The vampire shrieked and bit in a hamburger to suppress his screams. And then he grew into a mushroom.

“What are you?” Casey shouted.

Well, of course, since the vampire became a mushroom, he doesn’t talk. He stared at Casey with big goggling eyes.

Casey reported this to the local police station who gave her a lollipop and told her to go home. Casey refused and stayed shut in the police’s bathroom licking her lollipop. She was in there for three days sucking toilet water and then the police got fed up with her and gave her another lollipop.

After leaving the police station, Casey visited her cyclops teacher, Mr. Gluteus Maximus, who gave her a lollipop and then asked her what had happened. Casey was relieved so she told him the whole story, but when she was half way through, Mr. G fell on the floor and started snoring.

Reports say that Casey was so furious that she raised her blivet and sent him straight to Hell to live his life as a snorebug.

When the police came for her, she let out a high-pitched screech and cast the police to Hell. As Casey became more of a threat to the human world, one girl stepped up and challenged her to a duel.

As every human waited for this fatal December night to pass, Casey cracked her knuckles and glared at her opponent. Haley Williams was short and didn’t look very tough. She should be easy to beat, thought the devil.

“If you win, which is totally impossible, I will free all of the people in Hell and you shall become a god” Casey smirked.

“Well, I think you are totally underestimating me, devil” Haley replied with confidence.

The fighting began. Casey made the first move. Haley ducked the punch directed at her jaw and then step sided Casey. Haley then kicked the devil in the shins and smashed her nose flat. As Casey flailed, Haley knocked her to the ground and blood spurted out of her mouth.

Reports say that the devil had been tortured until her last words, “This is not the end, you poop head” No, this isn’t really what it said. One reporter had actually witnessed the devil’s wrath. He said, “It muttered something undecipherable, in a raspy language”.

Death of the Dinosaurs: Gummy Bear Bomb Sends Ancient Reptiles into Second Extinction

By Pierre and Kuan-Wei

Baghdad – A group of nine dinosaurs perished on New Year’s Eve, 2015, when a gummy bear nuclear bomb exploded. The dinosaurs magically appeared in a Pizza Hut from a slice of  pepperoni pizza. According to zombie unicorn sources, the dinosaurs teleported to a nearby 7-11 and ate junk food causing each dinosaur to gain 300 pounds. The increase in size reportedly caused them to destroy Mr. Chris Wangyswagy collection of fluffy unicorns by eating all of them including Mr. Wangyswagy’s favorite, fluffiest, pinkest unicorn, Barf. According to witnesses, Mr. Wangyswagy sent an S.O.S. text message to his friend Swagger-Cookie urging him to travel to Earth in his strawberry meatball UFO.

Their allies the headless zombie gummy bear minions were coming. The dinosaurs then dressed up as barbarians and raided the unicorn cookie factory, the humans set a nuclear gummy bear bomb and destroyed all of the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs last words were: “Unicorns are now our favorite and adorable pets”.  Mr. Chris Wangyswagy Unicorns now studies unicorn-ology.

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Unicorn VS dinosaur
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What Mr. Chris Wangyswagy Unicorns studies